Adoptees’ Seeing through the Eyes of Compassion

.  . . and Creating Our Own Reality (actually, we all do!)

When I, an international adoptee, was growing up, I knew a fair amount about my adoption, primarily because I had done a lot of snooping around my parents’ bedroom, where all the paperwork had been hidden. I was relatively quiet, couldn’t understand why I was feeling far away from my adoptive parents, wished I had friends like all the other kids in the neighborhood, and stayed in my room, spending time outlining books and laying on my bed staring at the ceiling. I repeatedly went over my adoption story.

In my head I created my own reality; we all do, because reality is only from our perception. I thought a lot about my birth mother, about people around me and how I did not fit in, and then I tried to remake myself; I was teaching my mind what to think.

What was entering my mind –unbeknownst to me–was the way I felt about myself: my weaknesses, soft spots, and insecurities.

.  . . and Becoming Judgmental to Protect Ourselves

My thoughts were negatively affecting me, and I learned a critical, disparaging point of view of others. Truth: people not feeling good about themselves, tear down others. Truth: It leads to close-mindedness, because they rarely have the other side of the stories. Truth: That leads to unhappiness and depression. (I have a feeling therapists are feasting on these last two paragraphs.) It becomes a vicious cycle, and we curl up within ourselves, and we go deeper down that dark rabbit hole.

. . . and Unintentionally Revealing How Hurt We Are

Who said, “Every time you judge someone, you reveal a part of yourself that needs healing”? So, if we make an unfounded judgment about someone else, we are essentially defining ourselves to others. Perhaps passing unfounded judgment is part of an attempt to develop self-importance and get attention.

To gain recognition, as I describe in my memoir My Mother My Daughter, I stole small amounts of money from my birth parents, and I became the grade school class clown. As I became older, I started to be cynical, and eventually I humorously cut down others. I’m not so sure I made much of an attempt to know my adoptive parents, either. By looking through the eyes of judgment, I held myself back and missed out on being exposed to what other people felt and experienced, and I could only feel my weaknesses, soft spots, and insecurities. I was not really experiencing what life should be.

.  .  .  so, Starting the Healing Process with Compassion for Self and Others

Passing unfounded judgment is a sign of faulty thinking, not a faulty person. For adoptees, faulty thinking easily goes down the rabbit hole into insecurity and depression. They can easily fashion themselves into victims. (By the way, that’s not a good thing!)

In my adulthood, I understood those judgmental eyes were deceiving me, and I made a concerted effort to get acquainted with self-compassion and compassion for others.

Rafa Euba writes, “The more intense [our] suffering, the more [we] should love and forgive [ourselves].” Learning to think differently is a key change. First and foremost, be kind to ourselves; recognize we are not perfect and move on; and most importantly, forgive ourselves for any blame we put on others or ourselves. We should also know, as adults, that we can control whether or not we want to continue to be victims.

Steps to gain self-compassion:

• Let go with what is not good for us, things that put us in the rabbit hole;
• Forgive ourselves;
• Get rid of the self-righteous attitudes;
• Stop thinking that other people have “it” so much better;
• Learn that happiness is overrated, and contentment is more achievable;
• Do nice “things” for ourselves on a regular basis; Consider learning transcendental meditation to get peace of mind (it’s relatively easy but must be practiced daily); and Practice online exercises on how to be self-compassionate.

The next step is to understand the universality of human suffering; every human being suffers, although on varying scales. We are not alone with pain. Our birth parents were broken souls when they gave us away. Our adoptive parents, no matter how good they are, while struggling to do the right thing for us, have their own issues. Our neighbors suffer with their personal losses. People suffer through wars, natural disasters, illnesses, and persecution. What about those people? 

We need to imagine ourselves in their shoes and acknowledge their experiences. However, be prepared; doing so brings out uncomfortable feelings, such as feeling that we’re losing control, which goes against the grain of an adult adoptee, but it also can resurrect feelings of wanting to help–that’s compassion for others.

Steps to gain compassion for others:

• Learn how to listen to other people;
• Read and hear other’s stories and imagine their feelings; read good fiction and do a character study, or non-fiction and imagine the characters’ mindset; recognize the suffering and challenges;
• Imagine ourselves in everyone else’s shoes;
• Accept others into our lives;
• Offer to help others in need, whether something small as holding a door open for someone else, or as large as going out of your way to offer a skill for someone in need (volunteer work); and
• Channel our “rabbit-hole” thoughts into what can we do for others, no matter how small, and then do it.
• Prepare a practical plan to exercise compassion daily.
• However, know when other’s problems are not yours, and know when to let go.

. . . and Being Patient with Ourselves

“Doing for others” is so rewarding. It makes us a part of the world, and it just plain makes us feel good about ourselves. Buddha remarked, “If [we] light a lamp for someone else, it will also brighten [our] path.” Granted, it took me almost a lifetime to figure that out; when I met my birth mother and father and their families, I was 23 and 59 years old. At 59 years old, I finally figured “it” out for myself, and I had nothing but compassion for them; they had been broken souls when they gave me away. I finally thanked my birth mother for giving me birth, and my adoptive mother for taking me. Exercising compassion made a huge difference in my life; it was so much better than when I had lain on my youth bed and looked up at the ceiling.

“As soon as healing takes place, go out and heal somebody else.”  -Maya Angelou